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Binding: Paperback
Dewey Decimal Number: 306.7662
EAN: 9781555835149
ISBN: 1555835147
Label: Alyson Books
Manufacturer: Alyson Books
Number Of Items: 1
Book Pages: 256
Publication Date: 2000-06-01
Publisher: Alyson Books
Studio: Alyson Books

Chapter One: Telling Yourself; Telling Others

The first person you have to come out to is yourself. Anyone who has been through this process can tell you that, depending on your circumstances, this can be either the easiest or the hardest part of the whole process. If you are lucky, you come of age in a liberal, tolerant atmosphere, attending a school with other smart, sophisticated young people for whom being thought of as prejudiced is a worse taboo than any difference you could present; perhaps you've had an openly gay teacher, or your parents have openly gay relatives or friends whom you have come to know. In such a case, acknowledging your sexuality is a path that has been smoothed for you.

If you are not lucky, you live in a conservative community where boys still use the word faggot as a taunt, you had a gay teacher who everybody knows about but who would sooner die than present his sexuality publicly, or you have parents who profess religious beliefs that are dependent on scapegoats for a sense of personal righteousness (and that set of scapegoats nearly always includes homosexuals). In this case, accepting your own sexuality will be harder, as you will know damn well that being known as gay in such an environment could lead to grief, if not bodily harm or ostracism from your family.

Your first step in either case is going to be to look in the mirror and say to yourself, "I'm gay." No, you don't have to make your first announcement over a public address system like Ellen DeGeneres's character did on the show. Maybe the first time you say it you have to whisper it to yourself in the bathroom, with the door shut, the water running, and the fan on. But whatever the age at which you come out, this has to be the first step. For some gay men it's a knowledge they're born with; for others it's something they repress and deny for years.

No book can tell you how to accept the fact that you are gay. What a book can do is help you after you've accepted that fact, even if that acceptance comes laden with feelings of guilt, shame, and fear. The process of coming out is the process of dealing with those feelings, both in yourself and those around you, and building your self-esteem by standing by

Customer Rating:
Review Summary: A guide to self-acceptance
Review: One of life's real (and unnecessary) tragedies is the closeted gay man who is regimented by years of homophobic conditioning and, as a result, can neither accept or even like himself. If he can't like himself, then, how can he let anyone else like him? Orland Outland's "Coming Out ..." is the complement of Michelangelo Signorile's classic "Outing Youself ..." and the unofficial second chapter to Rik Isensee's "Reclaiming Your Life: The Gay Man's Guide to Love, Self-Acceptance and Trust," all three of which extend "permission" for the closeted gay man in torment to let go of the pain from the years of emotional exile, self-rejection and loathing, and get on to a life of fulfillment. The "condition" of Orland's book is that the gay man is ready to come out to family and friends, and the works by Signorile and Isensee are more intended to help the gay man out himself to himself. Once that monumental step has been taken, Orland first renders tips to come to terms with family and friends and then how to establish a healthy gay lifestyle. Of the latter, we get a road map of how to navigate all those questions that today's gay man asks (and they're not too much different than the heterosexual guy's questions), like whether or not to do the bar scene, how safe is safe sex, is political activism advised and where to look for that special other guy. Written in a friendly and warm prose, Outland's self-help guide - like those from Signorile and Isensee - nonetheless doesn't treat jovially the life-altering experience the gay man will undoubtedly have when he comes out. Far from being "fun" and light-in-the-loafers (no pun), "Coming Out ..." is actually a journey of the fragile human heart that helps the gay man begin to get rid of all that internalized homophobic garbage and get on with the business of being happy for once. A wise investment!

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Customer Rating:
Review Summary: A complete handbook for the gay man....
Review: Many words came to my mind after reading 'Coming Out: A handbook for men' - amazing, thought-provoking, honest, refreshing, and basically just a big WOW! I don't ever recall reading a book about the gay world that was so honest and detailed in it's description of what being gay is all about and the gay lifestyle in general.

The book may be called 'Coming out', but it is actually a handbook for all gay men - especially those who are 'coming out' and experiencing the gay world for the first time. The book describes coming out as more than telling everyone about your sexuality then marching in the next Pride march waving a rainbow flag. Coming Out first must entail coming out to yourself and accepting yourself as you truely are. For alot of us gay men, that can often be the hardest part. So the first part of this book describes this process and then goes onto discuss in detail discovering your gay self through meeting and interacting with other gay men, as well as sex, drugs and disease because often, our first forays into our gay world involves exploring our sexual sides first. At no point does the author preach or say 'that is wrong', but he provides the basics in order for the reader to make up his own mind or at the very least encourage the reader to seek further information.

The second part of the book describes 'being out' - building your gay lifestyle so you can, hopefully, build a happy and nurturing enviroment with other gay men. He discusses everything from surviving your first relationship to the many different sub cultures within the gay community, to dealing with physical attacks and being scammed. If only I had read this book 10 years ago I could have saved myself a lot of grief! Whilst it may appear this book is aimed at those just coming out and experiencing their first gay contact, we 'old hands' can read it and see things from a completely different perspective and perhaps even learn something new ourselves....

If you're ever in a position where someone has confided in you about being gay and wants information, tell them about this book. Not only will it give wonderful valuable information in a direct, readable and honest manner, but it may also make their journey into the gay world a little smoother by being able to avoid some of the pitfalls and traps that most of us 'old hands' have experienced....

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Customer Rating:
Review Summary: The Book That Helped Me Come Out
Review: For years I strugged with my sexuality, denying it to others while trying to see if I was really gay. And I decided that I was tired of feeling so in doubt so I found this book. And I'm glad I did. This books explains in plain English withoout the psychobabble about how to embrase one's sexuality, understand it and gives a unique and definate view of being gay. One of the reasons its so hard coming out is because people don't know how to be gay. This book explains activities and gives clear definitions to some gay terms and such. This book was excellent and I recommend it to anyone coming out. It helped me come out in a very positive way and everything turned out great.

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Customer Rating:
Review Summary: Not a replacement for Signorile's "Outing Yourself" but good
Review: The standard coming-out bible is and remains Michelangelo Signorile's "Outing Yourself." That was my first coming-out reference, and I think most gay and lesbian people who have had access to it would agree it's essential. Orland Outland's new "Coming Out: A Handbook for Men" is an important follow-up, however: Orland offers much updated information and covers topics out-of-scope for Signorile. (In his foreword, Orland says this is an update to Alyson Publications' "Coming Out Right.")

The first half of the book is all about coming out per se: his chapters have titles like "Telling Yourself; Telling Others," "Your First Gay Social Experience," "Getting Laid," "Going Out," etc. There is a lot of brutal honesty in the first half, and a decided lack of nurturing--which may good or bad for you depending on your personality. (I find it bad.) There is also a tendency to resort to stereotypes, as though all gay men go out to bars, are confronted with drug use, etc. It'd have been nice for some coverage that applied to rural, Midwest, or Southern America--but Orland's generalizations based on the urban West are adequate.

The second half is all about being out, i.e. building a gay life full of self-esteem and self-security. Here his chapters have titles like "Gay Subcultures," "Cops, [...] Bashers, and Other Dangers," "Getting Scammed," "Organizing Your Support System," etc. Here, too, it is a brutally honest style but, as in the first half, full of essential information. I found the "Getting Scammed" chapter particularly valuable, as a matter of fact.

If Signorile's "Outing Yourself" should be your first gay and lesbian book, let this one be your second or third, but take it with a grain of salt--don't forget that you are your own person and when Orland's advice seems to clash with your concepts of yourself and your gayness, stick to your self concept.

Another book I recommend for gays and lesbians starting the coming-out process: "Coming Out of Shame."

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Customer Rating:
Review Summary: An excellent companion to Signorile's "Outing Yourself"
Review: I think that this book is a great place to read about coming out (a life-long process) and being out. It's a bit edgier than Michelangelo Signorile's "Outing Yourself." I think it makes a good companion volume to Signorile as a result. If you're coming out--buy both!

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